Boner Bears (A Recall Notice in Three Acts)

Somewhere in 2026, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration published one of the greatest sentences ever written by a federal agency: "JXK Enterprises, Inc is voluntarily recalling Boner Bears Chocolate, Lot #BB21125, after being notified that FDA laboratory analysis confirmed the presence of sildenafil, an active ingredient in the FDA-approved prescription drug Viagra, which is not declared on the product label." The product — a black chocolate bar marketed as "Boner Bears Sex Chocolate," stamped "Fast Acting Max Strength" and "3 Doses Per Bar" — had been quietly, pharmacologically overachieving, and someone had to answer for it.

That someone is now answering in full orchestra.

This song adapts the FDA's voluntary recall notice verbatim, lifting every phrase directly from the official announcement: the lot number (BB21125), the drug interaction warning about nitroglycerin, the risk disclosure for patients with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease, and the company's confirmation that no adverse events had been reported as of the announcement date. The only creative decision here was staging it as a Broadway show-tune finale. That felt like the appropriate response.